I recently read a blog posting by Jonathan Mead on his
Illuminated Mind
website about choosing not to fail. His blog repeatedly discussed one
of the most powerless words in English, “try.” In fact, “try” is so
powerless that in many countries and languages there is no equivalent of
the word; it can not be translated.
Powerless words are words that lack commitment, conviction, the
intent of focused action, purposefulness, and resolve. What’s so
important about this? Your thoughts produce actions. Therefore, your
thoughts produce the results in your life. Dr. Wayne Dyer once wrote,
“You become what you think about all day long and those days eventually
become your lifetime.” If you think using powerless words that lack
commitment, then what will your legacy be?
Below is a list of powerless words that I’ve collected over time. Some of these I learned while taking leadership training at
Rapport Leadership International, others I collected from various mentors and friends.
But
“But” negates everything that was said before it. This is an
objection. Using it saps all the energy from the conversation. How
many times have you heard, “Yes, but…” and felt deflated due to the
realization that your idea or comment is about to get a rebuttal?
A much more powerful and energetic way to handle this is to add to
what someone says with the word “And.” ”Yes, and…”. Instead of saying,
“yes, but what about…” in order to gain clarification, ask open ended
questions that direct the conversation to new understanding.
Try
The king of wimpy; no commitment. What is the intention behind the
word? How much effort will you expend to accomplish the goal? Are you
willing to do everything in your power to make it happen? Are you
committed to using your creativity to find a way to navigate around any
obstacle to achieve the goal? Or are you going to give up at the first
bit of resistance? If you intend to give minimal effort to complete the
objective, then say that instead. Your candor and honesty will go
farther to build trust than “trying” will.
Oh, and “attempt” is “try” in a tuxedo. It carries the same lack of commitment as “try.”
Using “will” delivers power and a commitment to action. There is a
resolve and an intention to accomplish the goal. There’s also a level
of accountability and a trust that is forged when using the word “will”
that you will do everything you can to fulfill your commitment. Remember
Yoda’s infamous line from the Star Wars movie, “Try not. Do, or do
not. There is no try.”
“Try” is also an imprecise, unecessary word. How do your “try” to
call someone? What does that mean? Were you too weak to pick up the
receiver? Unable to push the buttons? ”I tried to call you but I got
no answer.” What? ”I called you and I got no answer.” Now,
that is what really happened.
Don’t
People I speak with are able to articulate what they don’t want.
And, sometimes, people focus on what they don’t want in order to narrow
down their scope to get to what they do want. The key here, in the
end, is to focus on what you DO want. Coaching really helps people get
clear on what they want, what is meaningful to them, and execute on a
plan of action.
I personally struggled with this for a while. I was able to
articulate what I didn’t want in my life. It took time and effort, and
the patience of a great mentor and friend along with the support of my
wife, to change my focus to what I did want in my life. And then, what I
wanted began to appear in my life because that was what I focused on!
Should
There are two aspects to the use of “should.” The first is looking
back over your shoulder and saying, “I should have done this.” This is
self-defeating thinking that serves no one. It’s an unnecessary
self-inflicted reprimand.
A more productive thought is, “Based on what I learned from that
situation, next time I’ll do this.” The first statement was focusing on
what went wrong, on the past, on what you do not want. The second is
about learning, moving forward and focusing on what you do want to
happen next time. It becomes an opportunity to learn, just like failure
is an opportunity to learn.
The second aspect of “should” is more forward looking, as in, “I
should do this.” What level of commitment does this indicate to you?
Personally, I want to know what you will do, not what you believe you
should do. So, similar to “try,” this lacks a commitment to take
action.
More powerful alternatives are “I will” and “I get to.”
Need To / Have To
When I hear “need to,” I am still wary of the level of commitment
from the other person. If you “need to” do something, that means you
recognize the need to accomplish something, and still may choose to not
do it. The commitment and enthusiasm are still lacking.
Another aspect of this is the energy of the statements “need to” and
“have to.” Both of these carry negative and resistant energy with them.
Using “get to” instead replaces the negative energy with a positive
energy full of possibilities. For example, changing from, “I need/have
to serve on a jury” to “I get to serve on a jury” alters the energy and
the thinking. Using “need to” makes this something unpleasant that you
are forced to do begrudgingly. When you change to using “get to,” your
mind is free to explore the possibilities of meeting new people, having
new experiences, and helping your community by serving on a jury.
Once again, the alternatives here are “I will” and “I get to.”
Contextual
There are several words that may be powerless depending upon the
context they are used in. For example, using these words in a
brainstorming session or during a collaborative meeting would be
appropriate. The following are these words used in powerless ways.
Could
“Could” is a word filled with resistance. It lacks the commitment of
saying “I will do it.” It’s still leaves options open without a
commitment to complete something. It’s conditional, “I could do this if
I wanted to.”
Replacing could with “will” alleviates any doubt about the effort and
intent that will be invested towards accomplishing something.
Maybe / Perhaps / Might / Possibly / Potentially
When someone responds with any of these words, be wary of his/her
commitment. When you use them, question your own committment and your
true motive.
“Maybe” is often used as a softer way to say “No”. For example:
Occassionally, when my son would ask me to play catch, I really didn’t
feel up to it. Instead of saying “No”, I would say “Maybe”. I knew I had
no intention of doing playing catch with him. Yet to him a “maybe” left
him with a great hope that soon Dad would play catch with him. “Maybe”
was simply my way of avoiding committing. I actually even convinced
myself that it was nicer than saying “No”. In reality, an honest “No”,
would have been much kinder.
These words are a way of avoiding commitment, and they give you an
out. These powerless words do nothing to build credibility or trust in
your relationships with others.
Again, replacing this with “I will” communicates the level of
commitment from you. Accountability is established and trust is built.
The intention is set.
Think
Saying “I think” indicates that there’s uncertainty in what’s being
said. How many times have you told someone what you think, only to find
out something different is actually true? When you say “I think,” I
question whether you know, and, if not, I’ll ask you to find out for
sure!
An alternative to “I think” is “I believe”, or “In my opinion”. These statements are more accurate.
One disclaimer about this word. ”Thinking” is a creative process
that yields results. It’s something we all do. I’m not saying, “Stop
thinking.” To the contrary, keep thinking! And be more precise with
your words by differentiating knowledge, “I know”, from beliefs, “I
believe” or “In my opinion”.
When talking with people, be on the lookout for these words. When I
hear them, I definitely question the intent of people and their
commitment. I ask for that commitment or ask when they will be able to
commit. You’ll often hear me probing people during conversations about
their use of powerless words, and, more importantly, their commitment to
taking action.
To eradicate these words from my vocabulary, I took multiple steps.
First, I worked on noticing when I used these words. I asked friends
and family to help me realize when I used these words. As I noticed my
use of them, I would work on reframing my statements to be more powerful
and more precise. When I heard other people use these words on the
radio, on television, and during presentations, I would mentally
re-frame their statements to practice. Eventually, I realized the
impact that other people’s powerless words had on my life since we’re
all interconnected, so I began questioning people’s intent when these
words came up in conversations.
